What Happened During My Miscarriage
Buns In The Oven
February 26 is a date I will never forget. I was at work and had a missed call from my doctor’s office that I had been anxiously waiting for. As soon as my meeting was over I booked a conference room and called him back. He told me the news that my husband and I had been waiting to hear for 2 years, “You’re pregnant, most likely with twins”.
At that moment I was so elated I started crying and shaking. I immediately called my husband and shared the news and he just kept rubbing his face smiling, wishing he could jump up and down since he was in the middle of his office.
Myself, an innate planner, immediately started googling what I needed to do now that I was pregnant. What could I not eat, what physical activities could I keep doing, and apparently learn the long list of chemicals that are in my everyday beauty products that I could no longer use.
While starting this process I realized I had no idea what being pregnant actually meant. I immediately ordered a book and started to read, and only then did it began to dawn on me the insane physical and emotional changes I was about to go through. It was completely daunting but also very exciting.
While reading these books it had mentioned that about 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I read that and acknowledged it but didn’t try to dwell on it since I wanted to stay positive.
Heartbeats
The time for our first ultrasound arrived and we couldn't wait to see our babies. We saw two sacs, one bigger than the other. We were told it looked like one most likely would be a vanishing twin. However, I wanted to give both the best chance possible so I tried to consume as much folate until our next ultrasound (folate is supposed to help the growth of DNA).
The next ultrasound arrived and we were so excited because we were hoping we’d hear a heartbeat for at least one of the babies. What we saw were the same two sacs, one with a developing baby and one without. So we had one baby, but unfortunately there was no heartbeat. We didn’t lose hope though, the doctor said we’d check again in a week in case the baby needed more time to develop.
At this point, covid was beginning to get very serious and shelter in place orders were being issued around the country. I had already left the NYC area several weeks before to stay in the suburbs with my parents. The situation was getting too bad in NYC to be able to drive in for doctors appointments so I started the search for a place near my parents. Every office I called said they wouldn’t see me. I was starting to lose hope when finally I was able to speak to a nurse at a women’s hospital and they said they would be able to help me.
So, one week later I walk into this new office by myself, no one is allowed to go in with you for health reasons, and sit down in an exam room waiting for the ultrasound. I’m texting my husband constantly, both anxious and hoping to hear a heartbeat. I wanted to FaceTime with him while this was going on but unfortunately that wasn’t allowed. They took ultrasounds and I waited, and waited, but there was no heartbeat. The baby hadn’t grown since our last ultrasound.
I, alone, in a doctor’s office I didn’t know, being told I had a miscarriage. I couldn’t understand how this was possible. My body was still developing week after week as if I was pregnant. All the symptoms were there. My doctor said this is because the fetus itself had stopped growing while the placenta had continued, which is the part releasing the hormones to the rest of my body. While I understood the medical and scientific reasoning, my mind was having trouble comprehending the whole scenario.
I was alone, to mull over the news that we went from possibly being pregnant with twins, to one baby, to losing that baby as well.
Missed Miscarriage
I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is when a miscarriage happens early on but the body doesn’t pass the pregnancy tissue; without an ultrasound it can be weeks before you might notice a miscarriage has occurred since the pregnancy hormones are still being released. My doctor recommended I get a D&C due to the fact it was multiples. A D&C stands for dilation and curettage, a procedure that opens up the cervix to remove tissue from the uterus.
The only place this could be done given the current pandemic was at a surgical center at the local hospital. My father was very high risk if he were to contract covid so I wanted to avoid going to a hospital at all costs. However, my doctors agreed the procedure would be the best option.
I arrived at the hospital, and after going through all the questions and sitting in the waiting room I never felt more alone. I wanted to sob, but my logical side said that was not a good thing to do before heading in to surgery. Not sure if that’s true or not, but that’s how I rationalized it then.
What really helped me through that day was every single health care professional I encountered was the most supportive and friendly individual. They were facing an infectious outbreak that we hadn’t seen in our lifetimes yet they were still there for me every step of the way. They checked in regularly, asking if I needed anything and to offer condolences for our loss. They asked about me, and genuinely seemed to care to try to keep my mind off the fact I was alone and going through this. Even after I woke up they were very attentive, walked me through all my post care, and made sure I had all the contact information I would need. The next day the nursing staff called me again to check-in and the miscarriage loss group also reached out to me to make sure I had any and all resources I might need. Here’s a full list of miscarriage and baby loss support groups for your reference.
The Hysteroscopy
After weeks of bleeding and recuperating I went back to my doctor to get the all clear to see if we could start fertility treatments again. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the answer I wanted. There was still tissue left from the D&C that needed to be removed, otherwise it could cause more issues. Therefore, I had to have a hysteroscopy to remove the tissue that was over one of my fallopian tubes. Once again I went to the hospital alone, went through the endless questions, was rolled in the surgery room and before I knew it woke up a few hours later. Still feeling a little bit out of it, I ordered an Uber and went home.
The whole process took about 5 to 6 months. After that my husband and I decided to take a break from fertility treatments because I was so exhausted and I felt hopeless after going through everything. I mean after something that had such a huge impact on my life, to end it with grabbing an uber home and saying, “you’re good to go” just seemed so wrong. I needed time to relax and reflect on what I just went through for those past several months.
Looking Back
It’s funny, writing this now I still tear up about what I went through. Looking back, in the moment my focus was on how to keep going, I mean I still had to do my job, do errands, do everything like normal. Thinking about it now, it was really so much more than that. This was a huge part of me and even though neither baby was born they will always be my babies. I wear two hearts with angel wings on my necklace everyday to remember them.
You might ask why would I share this with you? As I mentioned above this was a very long process that had a large physical and emotional impact on my life. Yet, it’s never something that ever talked about. I was expected to go through all this while continuing to work and get on with the rest of my life like nothing had happened. Why is that? Women go through a lot and are extremely resilient and I believe that strength should be acknowledged.
Please feel free to share your own stories if you feel comfortable. I hope this helps anyone of you who might have gone through or are going through something similar.
